I am thinking of running for Republican Party nominee. A tad late I know. But -that's not why people tell me I will fail. They say no sharp elbows, wisecracking sarcasm or flair for insults live or on Twitter. No hubris. No creative ideas to deal with terrorism and immigration wth entry bans and border walls! No courage to be politically incorrect and call vast sections of the population inferior imbeciles whose moods are ordered by their monthly cycles or defective genes. No grand ideas to stimulate the economy by simply cancelling trade agreements and becoming protectionist.
Reflecting I must say I simply don't qualify now because I am not yet ready! But why? Have I ever had the courage to shout curse words into large crowds or to tweet out pictures of my opponents partner calling them names ? Or to verbally assault people calling them "stupid, crooked, corrupt, loser, weak, pathetic, total disaster, low energy, ineffective, miserable, incompetent and hypocrite" at least a few hundred times. No not really. Then how would anyone sustain interest enough to stay on my case and stay awake?!
So what's my cache? That I love my nation and care enough to want to solve its problems and that I have some competence managing money, negotiating deals and applying the law? Well I have it all wrong, I realize. These are simply not the qualities that will get the attention of the masses.
So what do I need? I need a story and even more importantly, sound bytes. Not necessarily the kind that I flashed on twitter or that I had bulimia and alcohol problems, but that I filed for bankruptcy a few times, floated a University that went the way of the dodo bird, that I made my fortunes by taking jobs abroad and that I stand by the mantra "everything is negotiable"". That I thrive on false promises and narcissism and have an entire army to help me craft my messages and stroke my ego a million ways." Of course I would not have to mean anything I say. I would just have to say anything that will get me to win. Who cares about right or wrong, being consistent or keeping one's word?! No one. Thankfully talk is cheap and does not have to actually mean anything. Even better, we have a population which is willfully blind to the "how" of bogus promises because they are mentally tired making ends meet and staying afloat. "Just tell me what I want to hear" they say, "and I will vote for you. Then keep saying or doing something scandalous and I will give you my undivided attention as I would a car wreck happening before my eyes. Do not try to reason with me or give me logical explanations of what you will do for me. It will do you no good - for I don't have the bandwidth for it"!
Given this, I will need preparation time leading up to my nomination - a proper make-over. I would need to cultivate a spontaneous propensity for putting my foot in my mouth, shooting from my hip, overruling democratically made decisions and using stock phrases like "my opponent is an unbelievable disaster" and "I can make America great again". I have to work on sanitizing myself of fuzzy words like "collaborative", "inclusive", "consultative" or "anti-oppressive". I had better start now. Refashioning my image, rehearsing the choice jargon, sharpening my elbows and getting in and out of embarrassing and disastrous situations does not come easy to those who lack the natural talent for it. I need the time before the next elections to rehabilitate myself and to build the right kind of brand equity. Oh yes, I will hire Donald Trump as my coach!
No comments:
Post a Comment