Violent Sex and the Matter of Consent

I am a fan of Q and of Jian Ghomeshi and was quite disturbed by the news surrounding his departure from the CBC on grounds of sexual assault of several women, with whom he alleges he engaged in consensual BDSM acts, for the duration of his personal relationship with each of them. As a public figure, his private life is of interest to all and so whether or not criminal charges are called for here, CBC has a reputation to guard and did what they believed they needed to do. However, this incident raises some important issues that are worth pondering.

Does Jian really believe that consent is infinite? It is likely that at the specific point in time, when the individuals consented to rough acts of sex, they were not fully aware of what it is they were consenting to.

Many years ago when I worked at the Crown Attorney’s office, we prosecuted a case of aggravated sexual assault. A conservative Iraqi woman who was married with three kids was sexually assaulted in a park, while on a church picnic, by a member of her own parish. The perpetrator then threatened to reveal the details of this incident to the community if she did not go to his house to engage in sexual acts with him. At that time, the law did not recognise extortion through verbal threats as vitiating consent. In other words, the law said, if she had gone to his house, notwithstanding her fear of reputational damage, she had gone willingly. When she went for the first time, the perpetrator secretly video- taped their sexual acts and threatened to make the tapes public. Given the nature of these new threats, she felt she could not turn to anyone and went to his place several times. Finally, she bucked up the courage to speak to her husband and with his support reported the matter to the Police. That’s how we got to prosecute it. So how did we crack this one? I worked with a brilliant Assistant Crown named Dave Fisher and he argued in court that while she may have gone consensually, at some point that consent had stopped. This was at the precise point when the perpetrator had used violence to overcome her resistance to him. We won and the perpetrator was suitably convicted on grounds of aggravated sexual assault and put away for several years.

In this instance, the women may have stopped consenting to Jian at some point, in which case there are grounds for criminal charges to be brought against him. The women will have to come forward and report the matter to the Police. So potentially, he faces jail time.

If, as Jian alleges, all sexual acts were purely consensual and there were frequent check- ins around the escalating acts of BDSM and this was someone crying foul when he decided to dump them, then we have another issue to ponder. Are these women, who legally consented to the sexual acts, being opportunistic and using the pretext of sexual violence to take revenge? Given my work in the violence against women field for over 25 years now, I fear such a tactic will take away from the credible experiences of all those women who genuinely face abuse and terror every day in the hands of their intimate partners.

Yet another issue that concerns me is if Jian is a victim of racialized stereotypes. As an Iranian Muslim it would be quite easy to isolate him as an outsider, more than if he was a member of mainstream communities. I have a healthy skepticism here, given my ringside view over the years of how folks from some communities are more easily criminalised than others. I love the CBC and do hope this is not a case of presumption of guilt, but a finding of fault, following a rigorous investigation of the facts. Otherwise, I am sad to say the CBC is being both spineless and hypocritical!

Have you faced a disappointment recently? Some thoughts..

Have you faced a disappointment recently? These thoughts that occurred to me might help?

Every time life throws a curve ball we bemoan the unfairness of it all. If only things could have been different? Our constant preoccupation with how things could have/ should have been takes us away from us being in the present. I want something badly. Why do I want it? Well it will give me great sensations, stroke my ego, provide me that perfect symmetry so life can go as I ordered it or just because I want something different from the present. In other words, I want all of those things because I am discontented with things as they are. But that discontent is not inherent in the things but with MY state of being. What if I decided instead that I will be happy in the present and not postpone happiness for when something happens? What would I have to do for this to be true?

- Be grateful and happy now
- Be focussed and do my best in the moment
- Know fully well that everything other than the present moment is a projection of my insecurities and desires and NOT the true state of how things would be if they happened – because with my discontented mind I will find reasons to be unhappy then too
- Be forgiving of myself if I am moody or depressed – but observe and allow those feelings to pass
- Do not put off happiness for something to happen – if I had the perfect job or the perfect whatever I will be happy – will I really?
- Be willing to let go. Of material things. Of grudges and dislikes. Of negativity. Of insecurities.
- Be willing to take risks without fearing disappointments, knowing what I do– make the transitions – life will open up a whole new set of possibilities better than I ever imagined. I am greater than my thoughts and my limited mind.
- Above all, Remind yourself - I will not overthink – but will just be, just do and move on to the next experience and the next and allow life to surprise me with its rich bounty. I will be joyful.
- Remind yourself also - I will allow all those sensations of pain to pass. Be present and not be dragged down by the past.
- Be pleasant and kind with everyone no matter what – I can change myself and the world of people, who have disappointed me, with my kindness.

Thanksgiving thoughts

One of my favourite contemporary books is Michael Crichton's Timeline. It is about multiverses and time travel between them. I realise that in Toronto people occupy multiverses in the same era.

This is our Canadian thanksgiving weekend. There are as many events and expressions of thanks, as there are people. I use the radio as my litmus test. Until a few years ago, the week leading up would be replete with tips on cooking turkey. Psychologists would offer advice on gatherings in dysfunctional families, on negotiating relationships and maintaining civility on that one day. There would be tips for those who had no one to spend the day with. Everywhere I turned, talk would be about the joy and travails of cooking that much loved and feared meat. I have never tasted it but have it on good authority that it is fibrous and only as good or as bad as the ingredients that are stuffed into it. Of course the hooch that is imbibed prior to the turkey being eaten, probably takes the edge off.

I do not hear too much of that any more. People love having the Monday off to congregate with family and friends over dim sum or a barbecue, offering prayers at their gurudwaras or temples or spending alone time just driving into the country to enjoy the early fall colours. In my office alone, we have over 20 different cultures represented and they each have their own expression of the holiday and turkey only figures in some. I hear a lot of stories about people opening their doors for a meal to complete strangers, Canada's newcomers, in true pioneering spirit. So the traditional gathering which was somewhat exclusive is now acceptably inclusive. I hark back to a time when our daughter felt odd person out because we did not celebrate traditional thanksgiving at home like the rest of her schoolmates!

I will be enjoying a simple South Indian potluck buffet with close friends, following a study group of a Sanskrit text. But like everyone else, I will turn my mind in gratitude to the bounty that is my life in a wonderful country whose peoples' warmth and good cheer thaws the coldest of days! So turkey or no turkey Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A suburban life

The suburban life

We were driving in the pouring rain along a treeless highway with pale yellow lights on one side and transmission lines on the other side. The roads were slick and the head lights of the other cars the only evidence of life around us. We came off the highway after what seemed like an infinity within the confines of our vehicle, aware of the bland uniformity of our collective isolation in these cars that transported us from one structured cocoon to another. Everything was orderly and predictable to the point of being dystopic. Then out of the blue in the middle of vast stretches of barren land, tantamount to nothingness, were a rash of structures - soon to be town houses.

Soon they will confine within their flimsy walls and creaking boards families from countries afar who have sought refuge here. From where to where and to what? These folks can ill afford homes closer to the inner city which they will rarely experience. But they will probably also never get to know their neighbours or their local communities as they wake up before dawn to drive down those highways to earn paycheques that will help them keep their homes, so they can come home to defrost a meal cooked over the weekend following mandatory groceries and chores. Between keeping the body fed and the children in classes that they may never appreciate they live with the sole ambition of justifying that journey from afar. Their kids must do better than them. So they will herd their reluctant kids in their cars to structured recreation in an effort to keep them, at least for a few moments, away from the lure of electronic devices. No time for chit chat or conversation. A mechanical life lived with the belief that kids will grow up accomplished. Never mind that they will grow up without a sense of community, of connectedness to a place, a distinct culture or identity - rudderless at best and sociopathic at worst. Is this the society we want? Is this the community we need to nourish our souls?