Wednesday, January 1, 2014

"How long do you plan on staying ?"


As we head into another year we notice our priorities shift a wee bit. Resolutions to do more of some things and less of others. For folks our age, retirement looms and we ponder more than ever our relatedness with our kids who have been raised with a different set of values in the West, defined by the core ideology of "individualism".

Last night, at the New Year's Eve party, there was a lot of talk among us South Asian women about our adult children who now have their homes, careers and lives. They have different views on love, marriage and it's importance. They don't suffer our suggestions of suitable partners and throw a fit when we raise the issue. These we have come to live with. But we have not yet tempered our expectations on what will become of us when roles get reversed and we come to depend on them!

One particularly poignant and comic tale was narrated by a friend who during the ice storm hastily gathered her belongings and arrived with her husband at their daughter's home for heat and refugee. The still single doctor daughter, known for her sensitivity and caring, had just returned from a long shift and had innocently asked them "how long do you plan on staying"? My friend, a wonderfully dramatic narrator, said the tears just began to roll down her cheeks in an unstoppable torrent and she immediately called her mother and asked her "would I have ever asked you that?" to which her mother replied, taking up for her grand daughter, "you did not work long shifts either".

Jokes aside, I would never have asked my parents that question. We were never "equals" with them to take that liberty. There were boundaries and we continue to carry a deep reverence for and sense of obligation towards them, instilled through years of cultural conditioning. I generalize - but I am not completely off when I say we still think we have no better duty to fulfill and even risk disagreement with our spouses to put our parents above all else.

Not our children. They are blunt to a fault and refreshingly honest about putting themselves above all else. They make it abundantly clear that they have several competing priorities to weigh that prevents them from offering us a carte blanche to their life and space. It is startling for us that we are not the centre of their universe even in our hour of need. Especially since our efforts raising them, without the support of extended family, have been impressive and for several of us has even come at the cost of career and lifestyle. While on the one hand we are happy they are independent and not a liability, we want them to also be the children we are to our parents. Well we gave that up when we moved to the West and challenged them at every turn to take on the world. We supported a system that instilled the very values that have them question our sense of entitlement over their time and space. This is what we wanted. We cannot cry foul now.

So here are some tips for myself and others like me to shape our resolutions for this new year. Assume nothing and be pleasantly surprised. Create a lifestyle and hobbies independent of children that makes them want to hang out with you. And above all else, remember you were a pioneer in a new country, learning the cultural norms, adapting and even sublimating your potential - so stir up that spirit to be imaginative in planning a healthy, happy and fulfilling rest of your life!

Yoga is a very important part of my life. I plan to devote more time to it and add an hour of meditation each day, while continuing my 45 minutes of prayer. I will read all the books in my library, make at least 4 trips and discover at least 4 new experiences this year. I will approach my work with renewed focus and interest, write with more discipline and work on two causes! And through all that I will plan my independence post retirement with intentionality!




Sent from my iPhone

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