We have all been raised with notions of what course our lives should take. Marriage, preferably with a member of the opposite sex, is one milestone that several of us aspire to. It is also seen as the passport to bearing offspring – another desirable milestone to attain. Now throw ambition and surviving in a competitive world in the mix. Will the twain ever meet? Can someone who wants to find a partner of choice actualise that into a marriage union and living happily ever after, what with work deadlines and pressures, global travel and the choice of passing flirtations which do not tie one down.? A difficult question. So lets deconstruct the issue for a closer look. What makes marriage elusive, do we need it and what do we do if we decide it is for us?
Today, the home and work divide is very much more blurred with laptops entering our bedrooms, television offering an escape into fantasy and “take out” and “order ins” being the rule and not the exception. A homemaker kept a home, made meals and possibly nurtured the soul. Enter the digital era in which women who fulfilled that role are no longer raised to think of themselves in that role and the job of the homemaker has been restructured out. So women are competing in the marketplace and juggling challenging jobs which require strategic decision-making, presiding over millions of dollars and negotiating tough bosses and unrealistic deadlines. They need to be nurtured just as much as their male counterparts. Each one has a fire in her belly to do it all. For men and equally for women, thumbing their noses at lucrative jobs outside the home is considered tantamount to dropping out of everything that is socially acceptable. The result, men and women really do not have the time or the inclination to work at anything else, let alone their personal lives. There is little motivation and or incentive except this image of marriage, children and “happily ever after” born of social conditioning which is blurred at best. It is definitely disconnected from their reality of long days at work, hanging it all out with friends in the evenings, sleeping in and addressing housework with a casual indifference - thankful that the furniture does not protest and the sink does not moan when it is piled high. Shopping, staying current with the look, to keep the job, are all competing priorities that trump domesticity.
What do I mean by marriage? Is marriage as we know it even relevant ? If it is then what do we do to make it happen? When I say marriage, I refer to a committed relationship, that may or may not have society’s blessings. Let me postulate that a good marriage is a worthy goal to aspire to. Whether it should be death do us part is another matter. What distinguishes true marriage from other relationships is the notion of sharing life. That sounds cliché, but bear with me there is some depth to this statement. We are gregarious beings and more than anything want someone to bear witness to our lives. We have a good or bad day, a funny or frustrating day, we want to let someone else know. However, we need a safe space within which to express it, where we will not be judged, but may be comforted, validated, constructively criticised or just simply listened to. No matter what advances we make in our careers or in the material conditions of our lives, we are mortal human beings with an inner core that seeks the elusive and seeks to be nourished. The only way we can obtain that nourishment is by having a place where we can make ourselves completely vulnerable. A true partner witnesses our vulnerability as we do theirs. They do not use that information, do not manipulate, control or threaten us with it. They just accept it as our state of being as we do theirs. Can we get this elsewhere? Probably from friends and, if we are lucky, parents and siblings. However, since our lives are so busy and we need predictability, there needs to be the formality of a contractual arrangement that will facilitate this. Further, we are at our most vulnerable when we bare ourselves physically and emotionally and, under ideal circumstances we do that in a marriage more than anywhere else.
For us to be involved in a committed relationship, we must want it. However, wanting does not mean predisposing ourselves to the form it is going to take. This is tricky. If we have created an image of the person and their many attributes, we are constantly engaged in an exercise of measuring people to our pre-set standard. How would we like being measured up every time? We would not. So what should we do then? Well, every time we feel the urge to measure someone, we bring our awareness to what it is we are trying to do. We will gradually find ourselves doing it less and less. When we stop measuring then we stop having expectations. Now, I tread on dangerous ground here. Does this mean we give another license to do anything they want and have them get away with it. Basically yes. However, when we take the pressure off the other person to be a certain way, they will be most comfortable with us and may even do much of what we want them to do. We are also happier because we would not have hitched our sense of self on the validation we get from another living up to our expectations – ie I am worthy of their love because they do exactly what I want them to. So lets all lighten up young men and women. Lets open ourselves to possibilities and not be imprisoned by our preconceptions. Lets know that thoughts do not determine our destiny, only awareness does. Therefore, lets welcome with open arms the adventure of life without preset ideas, social conditioning of the way things should be and.. just be. Live every moment with complete acceptance of it the way it is and people as they are. We will then not be engaged in a constant conflict which results from the present not living up to our ideas of the past or our hopes for the future. Ultimately, here is a liberating thought, our realities are socially constructed. With the intelligence and resourcefulness you young folks have, you can make it up as you go along. Do it. Be selfless and compassionate, be willing to accept and you will be accepted. Nurture and you will be nurtured. Let life not be about having trophy partners. Let them be about having real ones.
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