Inspiring blog

Posted this on FB and here for the benefit of those who are not on mine. Elizabeth is a good friend who has had us over for Passover dinner. She is a bold, brilliant and beautiful 51 year old Jewish woman originally from Brooklyn. She does everything well and has 2 amazing kids, run and sold businesses, studied forensic pathology as a hobby and the list goes on. We have travelled and written papers together. She practically lived on her bicycle until 4 years ago when she was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer and a benign spinal tumour- she writes a blog and this most recent one is about living with a debilitating condition and rediscovering her Jewish faith. I was so inspired, so I am sharing it with you..

https://elizabethjabraham.com/2016/10/29/fortune-cookie-tango/

What is meditation and why should we meditate

What is meditation?

We all hear about the benefits of meditation. I thought I would share my own lived experience practicing for several years.

Lets start with what the common myths regarding meditation are.

Meditation is concentration
Meditation is thought control
Meditation is to be done in a certain posture and for hours
Meditation running away from problems
Meditation is a religious practice

But is meditation any of the above? Nor really. If not, then what is it, why should we meditate and what are its benefits?

While growing up in India, I had a lot of anxiety and a preoccupation with thoughts about death. It became more intense into my twenties after my daughter was born. I did not have a name for it then. Postpartum depression maybe? Or just the enormity of having responsibility for a baby at 23 years? To cope, I read the few self-help books I could lay my hands on 30 years ago, and they all said “there is no greater fear than fear itself”. I could not understand what this meant then. All I knew was that my fear was a direct result of my thoughts. And this fear was interfering with my ability to be happy. I was always going from one moment of anxiety to another. I could not appreciate anything in my life and enjoy it. I was anxious what the next moment would bring and in that state I had breathlessness and palpitations, I was spiraling downwards and out of control because I was anxious about being anxious. A book, “Why fear?” by the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti, offered me the panacea. I read there that I should observe my thoughts. Not try to shut them out. Not try to escape from them. Not try to dull the mind with medication such as anti-depressants or numb it with prayers, mantras and chants. I had been praying desperately and every-time I stopped, the anxiety would return with even greater vengeance. Desperate, I decided to heed his advice and to observe my thoughts. It was very hard to face my fear producing thoughts every minute. My throat became dry and I had unpleasant sensations throughout my body. But I persisted through it with tremendous discipline. It was the instinct to survive that kept me going. The need to keep suicidal thoughts at bay.

Slowly and miraculously over just a year, my anxiety producing thoughts began receding and my reaction to them did not include excruciatingly painful sensations. Not just that. I had mastered a technique and had an experiential understanding that I was not my thoughts. Without even knowing it I had begun to practice mindfulness. Many years later, I found out that this was the very essence of meditation.

As my mind became quieter I grew more interested in yoga and meditation and these became part of my daily routine. I moved to Canada in 1987 and experienced a lot of struggles as a newcomer. My practice helped me cope, and gave me the clarity of mind and confidence to complete law school and to pursue a professional career. But by 2004 I was looking to intensify my practice. That’s when I did my first 10 day meditation course observing noble silence. This had a transformative effect and I will get to that in a moment.

So coming back to mindfulness… If that is what meditation is, then what is it? Meditation is simply being in the present moment and observing everything as it is without interpretation. A recent study done by Harvard University found that on average, a human’s mind wanders 47% of the time. This amounts to half our waking lives. So if we are not present then where are we? We are thinking about the past or about the future. We are not focused on where we are and what we are engaged in at any given time? This means that we are attached to something that has happened or is about to happen. This attachment influences how we react to our present. We do not see the present for what it is and therefore do not react to life’s happenings with an open mind and heart and without judgement.

Let me give you an example. If I was worried about something that happened at work today and my husband asked me a simple question “did you remember to buy milk”? If I am lingering in the past I may snap back with “No I did not. Do you know what a terrible day I had at work? For a change you could have bought it etc”. This would have escalated the issue and resulted in an unwanted argument bringing him and me additional stress. If on the other hand, I was present, I would not be influenced by thoughts about the day’s events or interpret his question as being interrogatory, and would have just responded with a simple — “I did not. I forgot.”

So meditation is about living every moment present to our thoughts and to everyone around us without judgement. With attention to the present, we become intensely aware of our conditioned responses, in the form of our conduct, the changes to our breathing and our bodily sensations, as we encounter life’s situations.

So what are some of meditation’s benefits?

We all take care of our body, our clothes, our hair, our appearance. And yet we do not care enough for that part of us that helps us do everything. Our mind helps us learn, express emotions and manage every aspect of our lives. Every day we allow our mind to be bombarded with thoughts. Our cluttered mind inhibits us from thinking clearly and from solving problems in an open and honest way. Why? Thoughts give expression to our insecurities and selfish desires. These in turn trigger emotions that cloud our judgement and prevent us from seeing the impact of our behaviour on others, which in turn triggers their reaction to our conduct and so on. We are entangled in a vicious cycle.

When we meditate as a practice, besides living each moment mindfully, as in setting aside a few minutes to practice silence and observation we allow the agitation to settle so the mind is still and clear. We allow it to find some peace and quiet. Soon something miraculous begins to happen. We start breaking free of our conscious and unconscious habit patterns. Slowly, we respond to all experiences with equanimity. Since we no longer crave pleasure and avoid pain, we are much more spontaneous. Our decisions are more enlightened without the barrier and fog of our habit patterns dictated by our insecurities and desires. We have greater control over our mind and emotions. All this comes about because we recognize that we are not our egos and that our desires are temporal and will pass.

Meditation helps us cope with stress. However, that makes it sound like a cure for stress. But let us look at this another way? What would happen if we meditated for just 15 minutes every day? Take it from me, our experience of stress will be much less. With fewer thoughts we will not feel rushed. We will not feel a loss of control. We will have all the time to respond in a way that is not reactive. So meditation actually prevents stress. A daily yoga practice that is done mindfully will do the same. Ultimately though, meditation and its benefits are best experienced than explained.

Vipassana

Lastly, about twelve years ago I began to practice Vipassana. I was searching for a structured practice that would commit me to a routine and would offer me opportunities to reinvigorate myself every year. Briefly, Vipassana is meditation as practised by the Buddha that involves observing the breath and bodily sensations in complete silence. I had to go to a 10 day silent retreat to be initiated to it. Its impact on me has been dramatic. Following are three significant changes I have noticed in me.

First change, I react less

Reaction is when we respond without thinking — usually with emotion. When someone says something that is critical of us, we tend to take it personally and say something that is hurtful. For eg, when my daughter says “mom stop telling me how to live my life” I experience a sharp emotional pain which usually manifests as a physical reaction in the body. With Vipassana, I find that I am able to see the source of the pain as not being her, but as being my own reaction. The more I see that the more I am able to have an open and honest relationship with my daughter. So rather than act defensive and say “I am not” or “I am your mother I have every right”, I find myself staying curious and asking “Why do you think/say that? What would you have me do differently?”

Second change, I embrace change more easily

I do find change painful. But as I observe, without judgement, the painful sensations that any prospect of change produces, I also notice that it passes and that everything in life is in a constant state of flux. This makes me bounce back from painful sensations brought on by change much faster. I am more creative and welcoming of new opportunities. When I resist change, wanting to control how things turn out, I am limited, unimaginative, repeating habit patterns and causing myself and others pain.

Third change, I am authentic

We all create an image of who we are for the world and constantly try to live up to it. When I started to be present to my sensations through my practice, it became really important to remain true and authentic. So I stopped trying to do things just because they made me look good and instead began to do things because they were truthful, right and selfless rather than selfish.

When I gave a talk on the above topic at a temple, an eminent Sanskrit scholar who has translated several Upanishads (ancient Hindu teachings) and the Yogasutras asked me to ponder over who I had referred to as “I” throughout the talk. So to close the loop, all of the above changes are coming about with less and less identification of myself as the body, mind and ego and more as the witness that observes. This is a shift from a notion of doer-ship to one of recognizing my body as the instrument through which consciousness manifests and life happens. With my yoga and meditation practice, I have just scratched the surface and have already seen great changes in my life. All of you who meditate must have similar experiences. Please feel free to share them.

To find out more about Vipassana, please go to www.dhamma.org

"Wise words"

A young person in my life said she was experiencing a lot of stress at work. So I asked her the reason for this. "Well I cannot really explain it. But I feel out of my element and am not in a great head space.' I countered "I cannot even pretend to understand your stresses, I have never been in such a demanding position but I could help." "Well actually, I am right where the crosshairs are with bullets being aimed at me from different directions. I have bosses to please and my reports will not listen to me and my direct boss is just not able to help. Everyone has a different set of expectations and I am left feeling debilitated and ineffectual. My job appears to be hanging in the balance. I have to present to the CEO and feel like it is going to be do or die."

"Wow" I thought, what a lot of interpretation and noise, but did not voice it. When you have so much clutter in the mind, how can you carry on with the task at hand, I wondered. Instead, and in a very calm and nonjudgemental way, I asked a question. "Is it actually possible to please everyone in your sphere of reference?' She said "No". "Heck, is it possible to please one?" She said "maybe, but not entirely." "Why do you think that is?" To which she said "I don't know, maybe because I am not good enough?" "That's possible, but not probable since you have more information than most, have been working in this field for a while and have told me yourself on several occasions how surprised you are when you go to conferences and find out how much you know, to ask all the right questions". "Yes.." she hesitated. "Well", I said, "an alternative narrative that serves you better could simply be, that you are barking up the wrong tree. That this is a field of new and emerging technology, where everyone is unsure and insecure and as a woman in a nontraditional field there is distrust in your ability to meet expectations. And when they see you reacting to that with insecurity then that is exactly what they want. They act to reinforce the feelings of insecurity that you are manifesting. You ask why they would do this? Well, because they act to serve their own self-interest. They want to get ahead and look good while doing this. Making you look bad may make them feel better about themselves. But more importantly anything you do they will be critical of or indifferent to unless it serves their self interest. And if this is the case, you can never do things that make others happy and obtain their approval all the time. Instead you could tell yourself this. I am going to put my head down and put out my best based on all the information that I have, that serves the interest of the project as a whole as I see it. I have the courage of conviction and confidence to stand up and defend it. If it means not meeting the expectations of a few people, then I can strive to understand why without immediately jumping to the conclusion that I failed. Knowing it is not about me, but about the project, I can have conversations with them to re-set and or understand their expectations to serve the truth. But I must never hastily conclude that I am incompetent and not up to the task." In addition I pointed out - " you are smart, hardworking, disciplined, clear thinking and truthful, if they do not value that then they will soon wake up to the fact that there are few millenials who have the patience to put up as you do. "Thanks ...those are wise words. I feel better now", said the young person.

A wonderful short video from Eckhart Tolle
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PpkcRwkfU8U

Memory and the world as we know it

Sometimes I do crazy things. Today I spent two precious hours of my evening looking for a country music song. I just remembered that I had liked it but could not remember name of song or singer. I did not know where to begin. So I browsed country singers by name- no name rang a bill. I had a vague recollection that it was a song from a movie with a country music theme. And again nothing. Then I looked through all Faith Hill songs, recalling she had sung it once. Again no dice. I went on a detour and listened to other country songs and videos hoping something would trigger. I knew the name was not common and the last name was German sounding with a "und" in it - so I typed Lund and there was a country music singer by that name - but not the one I was looking for. Then I typed Lelund with a prefix to the "Lund" and there it was voila .. Hedlund. Garrett Hedlund. Feeling childishly triumphant I quickly went into YouTube and found his song.

So then I was listening to the "Ideas" program about "biocentrism". I have not stopped thinking about it ever since. Dr. Lanza who has coined the phrase has beautifully articulated what our ancient sages have always said. That the source of all life as we know it is consciousness and that there was no big bang or other seminal moment that gave birth to life. It's fascinating on so many levels because it turns causal connection between the world and life on its head. Actually it says there is no world without our heads. That the brain which is an instrument of ourselves quite like a calculator helps the mind create algorithmic connections with particles in super positions to create the illusion of space and time. So particles that we see out there are, are actually the result of our own perception and that they are not "out there" and do not act and behave the way we perceive them. We got a glimpse that this is true when Heisenberg tried to measure the velocity of the electron and found that he could not because if he located it then he could not measure its velocity at the same time (aka Heisenberg's uncertainty principle). In simple terms the observer creates the observed. Thus the past, present and future and our notion of a period in history are the result of such algorithmic connections. What does this all mean for us? We have some inkling of this from our three dimensional dream state which appears so real when we are in it Well, it blows my mind to even think this, but it actually means that there can co-exist other universes and the paradigm of space and time can be changed so we can "go back" in time or into the future. We can be in different places in an instant - yes it is actually possible with the manipulation of the observer's mind, which is responsible for reality as we know it, that we can radically alter our experience of the world. How cool is that? You may counter, are we not already doing that with virtual reality experiments? Well what's different is the understanding that all reality is virtual and what we experience as real is just one dimension while multiple dimensions co-exist. So I could actually bring myself to that moment when I first heard the Garrett Hedlund song the name of which was confounding me all this while?

Here is the sizzlingly sexy Garrett Hedlund's "Give in to me".

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Nzcd9_rRAGc

And the wonderful ideas program that has me all excited
http://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/biocentrism-rethinking-time-space-consciousness-and-the-illusion-of-death-1.3789414

Chennai musings - let's be inspired - 2

Women and work - two stories

It's unreal how hard women in Chennai work. It's difficult not to be inspired.

Valli is tiny. Her skin is the colour of ebony and her shiny white buck teeth flash as her face breaks easily into a smile when she cheerily greets patients, their family members, medical representatives, service people and couriers into that busy polyclinic in the heart of the city. Specialists and dentists rotate in and out sharing space. The dermatologist shares space with a family physician, the cardiologist with an internist and so on. So people call incessantly into the main line which Valli answers. They call to book appointments, enquire if the specific doctor is in, if their lab test results are in and on and on. The steady flow of people who walk through that door never abates and the little space is always brimming over. She is the sheet anchor that manages the traffic - receptionist, operator and overall communications coordinator. Her clothes are cheerful, befitting her sunny demeanour. Colourful sarees with matching jewellery, necklace, earrings and bangles. Flowers in her hair, bells in her ornamental anklets. Today she has worn an art silk lavender saree with gold thread border and a blouse to match, fresh white jasmine and orange firecracker flowers in her hair and chunky jewellery. I saw her once in the morning and again later in the evening and asked her how long her work day was. Well she left her house at 6 am and following a 2 hour and 3 buses commute arrived at the clinic at 8, she said. When did she finish? She flashed a smile and said, " at 7:30 pm and I will reach home after 10:00." In the afternoon when the doctors are not in and she has a couple of hours to spare she does cleaning and dishes at two homes nearby. While the clinic is closed Sundays, she has to commute to work all 7 days at those homes. She has two teenage daughters whom she never sees and whom her unemployed and de facto stay at home husband, a recovering alcoholic, cares for. She has successfully managed to get him into treatment and he is sober going 4 years. Her aging mother cooks and packs her food for the entire day. She is the main breadwinner and earns Rs.10,000 per month, all told, which has to pay for her transportation and all other expenses! How does she do it all so cheerfully?

Jayashri is a single mother of two boys. They are both in University. Jayashri is tall, attractive and very youthful looking at 45. She commutes by two-wheeler hazarding horrendous traffic and the killer Chennai heat. She has singlehandedly raised her sons from her earnings cooking in people's homes. Not one or two but 4. So every morning she cooks a traditional South Indian meal from scratch consisting of 2 different vegetables, a stew and soup in 4 different homes. Then she gets home to cook for her kids. On festival days she cooks all the mandatory sweet and savoury items along with the regular meal items. And if you don't know anything else about Tamilnadu, you should know there is some religious festival or other every week mandating the preparation of special foods to mark the occasion. Then every evening she goes back to each of the homes to cook 4 different suppers, lighter than lunch but all requiring prep and cooking time, nonetheless. She earns a total of Rs.28,000 at the rate of Rs. 7000 per month per home. Wow how does she do it cheerfully everyday, rain or shine 7 days per week?!

Terribly exploitive- inhumane - but proof of human resilience and the will to succeed at what could have been a losing game.

Both Valli and Jayashri want to give their kids post secondary education to ensure their lot is better! They don't think too much - they just do.

Utta's Bike Ride from London to Amsterdam

Uttara's pledge

As many of you know, last year I took up a cycling challenge from London to Paris and raised just over £2000 for WarChild UK, thanks to your kindness, support and generosity. I cant even begin to describe what an incredible and humbling experience that was!

This year I will be dusting off that road bike and cycling from London via Bruges to Amsterdam, a distance of 360 miles (580 km) from August 31-September 4th, with the goal of raising £1500 for my charity. I have chosen to raise money for Rethink Mental Illness. As many of you know, the issue of Mental Health is very close to my heart. I recently lost my dear cousin Rohan, a brilliant man, talented athlete and deeply spiritual human, as a result of his serious mental illness which he developed in his late teenage years. We were close in age, so growing up we spent several summers together in India at our grandparents' home. When he moved to Bloomington, Indiana for undergrad, I moved to Dubai to start my first job there. During this time, I stayed with his parents for over a year and he actually let me take over his room! I miss him dearly.

I am dedicating this cycling challenge to Rohan and raising money to benefit kids like him who seek the assistance of Rethink Mental Illness, a UK based charity which provides help and support across the UK to those diagnosed with mental illness, and their carers. This charity which has nationwide impact, places a lot of emphasis not only on awareness raising, information and advice for those in need, but also provides them with one on one and group care.

Please support me fulfil this challenge in Rohan's memory. Thank you for listening and for your kindness and generosity to date.

http://www.doitforcharity.com/tsukumar


Uttara's Journey

Day 1 - Uttagirl's bike ride for mental health charity from London to Calais enroute to Amsterdam (100 miles/161 km - adding in 5 miles when she lost her way). Miles to go..please join me in rooting for her. She did this one after a busy work day yesterday and 4 hours of sleep..hope she can keep up!

Day 2 - Uttagirl has successfully completed the stretch from Calais (France) to Bruges (Belgium) - 126 km. In her words "Tried my best to sit on the saddle and not scream from pain, other than that the chill cap was securely on. The ride was wonderfully flat and pretty. Ate lunch on the beach". Two more days to destination..in #FoRo (for Rohan) in aid of #RethinkMentalillness

Day 3 - Uttagirl went from Bruges (Belgium) to Breda (Netherlands) - 102 miles (164 km) - she says "I really have no words. That can only be described as the purest form of cycling torture I have experienced in my life. I don't know if it was the 35 miles of false flat hell to lunch, my leg scrapes from peeing in a bush with thorns or the 40 miles of torture after lunch. The human body is amazing." One more day to destination ... #FoRo #RethinkMentalillness

Day 4 - Uttagirl MADE IT! 400 miles - (600 km) in 4 days from London to Amsterdam "I am bruised, my face is 5 different shades of brown and I have never been so happy to get off a bike my entire life! Friends and Fam thanks for the wonderful positive vibes the entire way! I really have the best support system in the world. Thank you for the generous donations to this cause close to my heart! JE TAIME" #IloveyouRo #Rethinkmentalillness - next post has link to charity if you still wish to sponsor Utta's effort..

The World as Seen by My Mom

I love being with Amma. In many ways she is my life force and inspiration. Brilliant, positive, observant and wise. Here is a conversation from today.

I was standing by Amma's kitchen and watching this lovely drama. One of her many crow friends whom she feeds and hydrates through the window kept dropping tiny sticks into their bowl of water. I gave Amma a quizzical look as though to ask "what are they doing?" She did not say. This afternoon as we sat drinking coffee I saw our little friend by the window again. Amma gestured to me to quietly watch. This fellow with his little beak gathered all the sticks which were now pliant and flew away. Amma, who has a wonderful way with animals, birds, plants and humans, said, "it does that to make fibre to build a strong nest to protect its young". She then asked me, what I realized later, was a trick question. "Have you ever been close to a crow's nest?" I said no. She said "because you cannot. They won't let you. They are so protective of their young." She said "for that matter all other species really care for each other. In the news today, a young man was beaten and left to die and no one came to his help for two hours. On the other hand when a dog is hurt have you seen other dogs bark and run towards them as though crying for help? Recently an elephant fell into a ditch and died. The baby would not leave the mother despite the Herculean efforts made by the villagers to bring her to safety." I believed her. This is the wisdom of crows, dogs and the world as seen by my mom!

There is a postscript to this story. I recently lost my father in law. He lived to be 90 years and led a wonderful life. He inspired us all throughout his life keeping a welcoming generous home. My mother in law is having a hard time with his passing, given he was her rock for over 60 years. This is the time when she needs emotional support and her two children and their spouses (one of whom is me) are taking turns spending time with her. At this time, we are witness to the craziness that is superstition against Hindu widows. Suddenly she has become persona non grata – for all religious occasions. To add hurt to an already distressed mind, she is treated as a social pariah - her presence at weddings and other such “happy” occasions considered inauspicious. Nowhere else in this 21st century have I seen such indignity bestowed on widows. It is becoming more and more clear to me that our unique capacity to think and interpret, when exercised based on fear, superstition and selfishness, destroys our humanity and causes us to take the most absurd, irrational and destructive decisions. We can rise above this with mindfulness where we notice our interpretation of what is, in a non judgemental way. This then stops us from spiralling downward into an abyss of reactivity and hateful behaviour that has the potential to harm us and others.