Our annual pilgrimage to Pittsburgh

Every year we make the trip to the SV Temple in Pittsburgh, PA. Usually in November. There are over a hundred temples in Toronto and yet we undertake the 5 hour drive to Monroeville as an annual ritual. We set out on Saturday a.m. with a packed picnic. We stop mid-way in Angola, New Year, for our refreshment and health break and then proceed through the familiar route to arrive in the afternoon. The drive is usually pleasant on roads that are wide open and tree lined. At this time no leaves remain and their starkness is a brilliant contrast against the varied colours of the sun which paints the sky in beautiful hues of pink. There is something incredibly gorgeous about the northern sky in clear winter weather. Yesterday we had some light snow and then brilliant sun which lulled me into a nice nap as the husband drove. Our drive is usually quite meditative, spent listening to Carnatic music. I also centre myself and focus on the present and sensations as they arise and pass. This calming of the mind makes for great peace throughout the weekend and especially at the tail-end spent at the Grove City outlet mall, where I only pick up what I absolutely need!

Monroeville is a nice little part of Pittsburgh, bustling with stores, restaurants and, as locale of the impressive University of Pittsburgh Medical Centre and the SV Temple, draws crowds from far and wide.
We always stay at the Holiday Inn which is comfortable and familiar

What is this temple's lure? It's North America's answer to Tirupathi, perched as it is on a hillock, the path to it dipping and rising. They follow the same traditions in their chanting of the Sahasranamam in Sanskrit and of verses of the Divya Prabandham in Tamil. I love the Tamil chants rendered by the priest in his beautiful singing voice. I am just transported to another place and time. I can remain there for hours. When Carnatic musician T.V. Sankaranarayanan stayed with us during several of his North American tours, each time he would sit in front of our altar and sing virruttams in chaste Tamil from the Divya Prabandham. All my associations with this form of prayer are quite wonderful.

The other attraction at the temple is their prasadam. They have piping hot sambar rice or pongal varieties at the end of each puja. The portions are generous and the food quite delicious. In the basement cafeteria they sell puliyodharai, curd rice, pongal and uppuma really cheap and everyone makes a beeline for it to pack a picnic for the return trip.

It's a great time for us all in all in that it's a nice road trip, a time away from our weekend routine when we calmly discuss important matters that impact our lives and surrender our insecurities as we turn our minds to experiencing something beyond our immediate comprehension - this call to our own divinity.

Taking a page from Keynes

In the news today we saw China flexing its military arm showing off its fighter aircraft while Obama is on a visit there. CNN carried the story to allege that the Chinese manufacturers had copied US design. Then the reporter tangentially ventured into talk about cyber warfare and how the Chinese had hacked into US weather systems recently. China is now gaining on the US to establish its supremacy globally.

Given how we are all so interdependent, such news is troubling. The end result is millions spent on an arms race and on cyber security. Tax dollars which should be educating our youth, feeding our poor, heck, stimulating our economy and providing jobs with infra structure spending are being poured into endeavours that assuage our fears. Is this the world we want. Why have we visioned our world based on these power structures and hierarchies? Could there not be a rethink? After all, we need each other. I sound like a naive bleeding heart oversimplifying our complex world but I think not. We need a groundswell of opinion for a world of open exchange. What would this look like?

I can illustrate with a small example, taking a page from Keynes whose economic theories are all the vogue right now because of his prescience. In 1944 close to his death, at age 62, Keynes proposed an International Clearing Union that would keep trade and investment in rough balance. Debtor countries would have to repay loans of course but creditor countries would have a role to play in that they would give their debtors breathing space by buying more of their products and services. So if this were to exist today, the Germans would be holidaying in Greece and Portugal and buying their wine from them. The Germans need wine and holidays so does it not make sense for them to help their debtor nation than to get it elsewhere? Sadly Keynes' idea lost out and instead we got the IMF providing aid to nations to meet balance payments and the World Bank to provide aid for development. We do not have the financial infrastructure to restore balance to global trade and investment, one that is based on sound international cooperation which identifies our obligations to each other for our collective good.

Keynes could have been talking about everything in our present world when he wrote in the 1930s "we have involved ourselves in a colossal muddle, having blundered in the control of a delicate machine, the working of which we do not understand. The result is that our possibilities of wealth may run to waste for a time- perhaps a long time."

The zen art of listenting

My daughter who is distraught over the results of the election, as most whom I know are, said to me,"mom I feel devastated. Brexit and now this? I am frightened as I go over scenarios in my mind of what's yet to unfold". Normal reaction. I said to her "you have to stop thinking like an MBA and be present without interpretation. You will then act when needed, and in the most unselfish ways". I harked back to a time when I had an opinion about everything and wanted above all to be heard. Slowly I realized that most people were like me just talking at each other. It was a contest of who had the most clever things to say. No one was actually listening or processing since we were all thinking about what to say next and how to outsmart the next person. The election campaign we saw is a case in point. The contestants are not wholly to blame. We have come to respect rhetoric and sound bytes, fuelled by our media's quest for ratings. We do not value authenticity. We want posturing, pretence and power talk.

A few years ago, I read somewhere about the zen art of listening and decided to practice it. Every time I had an impulse I stopped and gave myself the cue to listen instead. Wow what a difference it made. The ego had been quietened. The speaker had my attention. I waited to offer my thoughts if they added value or were solicited. Miraculously I felt heard and found that I was effective. I realize now that represents a microcosm of how the wise among us live. They do not want to grasp or possess anything. They have no fear of losing anything - as life flows through them. Note this does not mean they don't change things. Their very presence in a non ego state does. But they wait for life to unfold, always attentive and observant. They wait for the right moment, to express a thought, write a piece, argue a point. They do not react violently from a place of judgement but listen attentively and remain curiously engaged without self interest. This sounds like an easy thing to do - but is actually excruciating for the uninitiated and unpractised. Especially under present circumstances. I find myself reacting from deep conditioning and habit patterns. I am fuelling my hate with assumptions and judgement that my limited faculties conjure up. I have to stop reacting and respond from a place of silence and intuition, while not letting the behaviour of others destroy my inner peace (Dalai Lama). It is time for a shift change. Mind you this does not mean remaining complacent and passive. But it also does not mean being aggressive and opinionated. It means being still and acting with grace towards higher goals in unselfish ways. That is my advise to my daughter as well!

Violent Sex and the Matter of Consent

I am a fan of Q and of Jian Ghomeshi and was quite disturbed by the news surrounding his departure from the CBC on grounds of sexual assault of several women, with whom he alleges he engaged in consensual BDSM acts, for the duration of his personal relationship with each of them. As a public figure, his private life is of interest to all and so whether or not criminal charges are called for here, CBC has a reputation to guard and did what they believed they needed to do. However, this incident raises some important issues that are worth pondering.

Does Jian really believe that consent is infinite? It is likely that at the specific point in time, when the individuals consented to rough acts of sex, they were not fully aware of what it is they were consenting to.

Many years ago when I worked at the Crown Attorney’s office, we prosecuted a case of aggravated sexual assault. A conservative Iraqi woman who was married with three kids was sexually assaulted in a park, while on a church picnic, by a member of her own parish. The perpetrator then threatened to reveal the details of this incident to the community if she did not go to his house to engage in sexual acts with him. At that time, the law did not recognise extortion through verbal threats as vitiating consent. In other words, the law said, if she had gone to his house, notwithstanding her fear of reputational damage, she had gone willingly. When she went for the first time, the perpetrator secretly video- taped their sexual acts and threatened to make the tapes public. Given the nature of these new threats, she felt she could not turn to anyone and went to his place several times. Finally, she bucked up the courage to speak to her husband and with his support reported the matter to the Police. That’s how we got to prosecute it. So how did we crack this one? I worked with a brilliant Assistant Crown named Dave Fisher and he argued in court that while she may have gone consensually, at some point that consent had stopped. This was at the precise point when the perpetrator had used violence to overcome her resistance to him. We won and the perpetrator was suitably convicted on grounds of aggravated sexual assault and put away for several years.

In this instance, the women may have stopped consenting to Jian at some point, in which case there are grounds for criminal charges to be brought against him. The women will have to come forward and report the matter to the Police. So potentially, he faces jail time.

If, as Jian alleges, all sexual acts were purely consensual and there were frequent check- ins around the escalating acts of BDSM and this was someone crying foul when he decided to dump them, then we have another issue to ponder. Are these women, who legally consented to the sexual acts, being opportunistic and using the pretext of sexual violence to take revenge? Given my work in the violence against women field for over 25 years now, I fear such a tactic will take away from the credible experiences of all those women who genuinely face abuse and terror every day in the hands of their intimate partners.

Yet another issue that concerns me is if Jian is a victim of racialized stereotypes. As an Iranian Muslim it would be quite easy to isolate him as an outsider, more than if he was a member of mainstream communities. I have a healthy skepticism here, given my ringside view over the years of how folks from some communities are more easily criminalised than others. I love the CBC and do hope this is not a case of presumption of guilt, but a finding of fault, following a rigorous investigation of the facts. Otherwise, I am sad to say the CBC is being both spineless and hypocritical!

Have you faced a disappointment recently? Some thoughts..

Have you faced a disappointment recently? These thoughts that occurred to me might help?

Every time life throws a curve ball we bemoan the unfairness of it all. If only things could have been different? Our constant preoccupation with how things could have/ should have been takes us away from us being in the present. I want something badly. Why do I want it? Well it will give me great sensations, stroke my ego, provide me that perfect symmetry so life can go as I ordered it or just because I want something different from the present. In other words, I want all of those things because I am discontented with things as they are. But that discontent is not inherent in the things but with MY state of being. What if I decided instead that I will be happy in the present and not postpone happiness for when something happens? What would I have to do for this to be true?

- Be grateful and happy now
- Be focussed and do my best in the moment
- Know fully well that everything other than the present moment is a projection of my insecurities and desires and NOT the true state of how things would be if they happened – because with my discontented mind I will find reasons to be unhappy then too
- Be forgiving of myself if I am moody or depressed – but observe and allow those feelings to pass
- Do not put off happiness for something to happen – if I had the perfect job or the perfect whatever I will be happy – will I really?
- Be willing to let go. Of material things. Of grudges and dislikes. Of negativity. Of insecurities.
- Be willing to take risks without fearing disappointments, knowing what I do– make the transitions – life will open up a whole new set of possibilities better than I ever imagined. I am greater than my thoughts and my limited mind.
- Above all, Remind yourself - I will not overthink – but will just be, just do and move on to the next experience and the next and allow life to surprise me with its rich bounty. I will be joyful.
- Remind yourself also - I will allow all those sensations of pain to pass. Be present and not be dragged down by the past.
- Be pleasant and kind with everyone no matter what – I can change myself and the world of people, who have disappointed me, with my kindness.

Thanksgiving thoughts

One of my favourite contemporary books is Michael Crichton's Timeline. It is about multiverses and time travel between them. I realise that in Toronto people occupy multiverses in the same era.

This is our Canadian thanksgiving weekend. There are as many events and expressions of thanks, as there are people. I use the radio as my litmus test. Until a few years ago, the week leading up would be replete with tips on cooking turkey. Psychologists would offer advice on gatherings in dysfunctional families, on negotiating relationships and maintaining civility on that one day. There would be tips for those who had no one to spend the day with. Everywhere I turned, talk would be about the joy and travails of cooking that much loved and feared meat. I have never tasted it but have it on good authority that it is fibrous and only as good or as bad as the ingredients that are stuffed into it. Of course the hooch that is imbibed prior to the turkey being eaten, probably takes the edge off.

I do not hear too much of that any more. People love having the Monday off to congregate with family and friends over dim sum or a barbecue, offering prayers at their gurudwaras or temples or spending alone time just driving into the country to enjoy the early fall colours. In my office alone, we have over 20 different cultures represented and they each have their own expression of the holiday and turkey only figures in some. I hear a lot of stories about people opening their doors for a meal to complete strangers, Canada's newcomers, in true pioneering spirit. So the traditional gathering which was somewhat exclusive is now acceptably inclusive. I hark back to a time when our daughter felt odd person out because we did not celebrate traditional thanksgiving at home like the rest of her schoolmates!

I will be enjoying a simple South Indian potluck buffet with close friends, following a study group of a Sanskrit text. But like everyone else, I will turn my mind in gratitude to the bounty that is my life in a wonderful country whose peoples' warmth and good cheer thaws the coldest of days! So turkey or no turkey Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A suburban life

The suburban life

We were driving in the pouring rain along a treeless highway with pale yellow lights on one side and transmission lines on the other side. The roads were slick and the head lights of the other cars the only evidence of life around us. We came off the highway after what seemed like an infinity within the confines of our vehicle, aware of the bland uniformity of our collective isolation in these cars that transported us from one structured cocoon to another. Everything was orderly and predictable to the point of being dystopic. Then out of the blue in the middle of vast stretches of barren land, tantamount to nothingness, were a rash of structures - soon to be town houses.

Soon they will confine within their flimsy walls and creaking boards families from countries afar who have sought refuge here. From where to where and to what? These folks can ill afford homes closer to the inner city which they will rarely experience. But they will probably also never get to know their neighbours or their local communities as they wake up before dawn to drive down those highways to earn paycheques that will help them keep their homes, so they can come home to defrost a meal cooked over the weekend following mandatory groceries and chores. Between keeping the body fed and the children in classes that they may never appreciate they live with the sole ambition of justifying that journey from afar. Their kids must do better than them. So they will herd their reluctant kids in their cars to structured recreation in an effort to keep them, at least for a few moments, away from the lure of electronic devices. No time for chit chat or conversation. A mechanical life lived with the belief that kids will grow up accomplished. Never mind that they will grow up without a sense of community, of connectedness to a place, a distinct culture or identity - rudderless at best and sociopathic at worst. Is this the society we want? Is this the community we need to nourish our souls?