Sit Still and Observe

I have been in the dark hole of a depressive state and then discovered a way of coming out to never go back. What did I do? More to the point is, what did I not do?

Some of you may not have even experienced it. Others may have gone through it following a life event - a failure or a death. Yet others may have had mood swings bringing on highs and lows. But the kind I am speaking of is that feeling of utter despondence, for no apparent reason. A feeling of being trapped in a dark space with no way out. That feeling which is accompanied by a churning in the pit of one's stomach, a dryness in the throat and a sense of a downward spiral into a deep abyss which swallows one whole. Nothing anyone says can change things. There is an utter loss of hope and a feeling of being trapped in one's mind with no escape.

So how then did I escape? Especially when my mind, the very instrument that must see itself for what it is - sick - was debilitated. How was I to use this mind, which was filtering through a distorted world view, to come out of this state? There in lay the rub.

The first step then was to actually, and not just intellectually, know that my mind was dragging me down. The next step was to know that I had the power in me to stop my mind from doing that. But how? How to stop those thoughts and feelings of despair?

In this state, it is natural for people to seek escape routes which numb the mind. They are pharmaceutical drugs or illicit ones, including alcohol. Other more legitimate methods are prayer, chanting or other similar repetitive rituals. I took no drugs, legal or illegal, but did try prayer, chanting and rituals. They helped - but to a point. I could escape for short periods to only have the boogeyman return in full force when I stopped.

Clearly, I needed a permanent solution. I could not stop the thoughts and mind. What recourse did I have then? Fortuitously I came upon J.Krishnamurthi (J.K,) whose pronouncement "the thought is not the thing described" resonated. Then came the epiphany - I could stop reacting to these thoughts based on my accumulated worldly knowledge and conditioning? But that was easier said than done. Not reacting to my thoughts and mind? In other words, allowing my thoughts to flow freely without having them impact me on a physical or emotional level? So rather than escape from, shut out, deny or drown in the experience I had to become a neutral observer of my mind and experiences?

I began to do just that. Initially it was awful. I recognized that I had actually not experienced the full force of my depressive state since I had never before remained alert and vigilant in every moment. Now that I was, the pain was unbearable. Negative thoughts incessantly rose to the top. I could not eat, sleep even breathe (sometimes). I was ready to give up. With J. K. as my guiding light I persisted.

Slowly and miraculously change began to happen. The mind began to quieten. The thoughts which brought on the depressive state did not come with such force. The physical sensations associated with those thoughts lost their vigour as I stopped reacting to them. Several months later, I was still heavy and serious. But not so sad any more. The more mindful I became, the more I began to realize the transience of all experiences. Soon I began to seize every moment and to rejoice in my experiences. I began to fully know that anytime I fell back into the abyss I would just have to ride the wave. There was no more a fear of the depressive thoughts or the sense of urgency to escape them. The dissociation between the thought and sensation began to happen. Now even if thoughts surfaced accompanied by painful sensations they passed quickly without a trace or memory and when they returned, they did so with much less rigour. There is no more lingering sadness and despair - there is just a recognition of the cycle of life, the dance of the universe and the ability to realize that no experience happy or sad is permanent - it just is.

What I did not do was intellectualize or analyze the problem. I did not look for causal connections. My approach was (and is) non linear. I realized that to allow the mind to find a solution would be tantamount to setting a mad elephant on a destructive path. I needed to quieten the beast to transcend its hold over my state of being.

For me, it has been 25 years and counting of living mindfully. So everyone out there - seek help for sure. Don't go it alone but ultimately know that the only permanent answer as Peter Coyote, a Zen Buddhist priest, has said in his reflection following the death of Robin Williams is to "Sit Still and Observe".