Sunday reflections 7 - 3 Epiphanies

It is 4:30 am and I hurry towards the meditation hall. The two hour meditation leading up to breakfast has it's highs and lows depending on the previous night's sleep. It is a striving to embrace that elusive experience of Shuniya, the point of stillness, which ironically cannot be achieved through effort but comes from totally letting go of the conditioning that everything comes with effort. There are no great aha moments, just the excruciating drag of time from minute to minute. I try to be fully present through the aches, pains and tingling as well as the vastness of time as I observe each breath, gently forcing the mind back every time it runs into the future with craving for the hot oatmeal, toast with tahini and the piping hot cup of tea that awaits the close of the meditation or to past Chennai experiences of decoction coffee. Anything to occupy it. With eyes tightly shut, and determined to make an honest effort, I focus, mildly distracted by the footfalls and the rustle of clothes of others who have dragged themselves from bed to settle on their spots. By the second day I realize I can tell who has come in. I am particularly tuned in to a young man who sits along my row, with a fully shaven head, white and gleaming. He wears a hoodie in a dark colour to go with his light coloured pants and appears the keenest of the lot. I cannot see his face and would dare not make eye contact, breaking the precept of noble silence. I play a little game of making up his story in my head to test how close I have come, when the silence is broken on the last day. He is clearly married but did he still flirt with the idea of monk hood, I speculate because of his ostensible intensity?

Anyway, I anchor my practice to his, since competition is what I know best. I will out meditate him. Stay motionless, while he shifts positions, remain glued to my spot eschewing the need for washroom breaks and outlast him past the breakfast gong. It works. I barely know how the first hour has passed heralding the soothing chants that mark the second hour. The next day when the gong strikes the wait does not seem long at all. Odd. Now I cannot wait to get back in the hall to meditate. I have an incentive. I want to outdo and outlast this young man. Although the meditation itself is great, and even unbeknownst to myself I am quietening the mind, it is only on day 4 or 5 that I wise up to the egocentricity of this incentive whereby I am treating meditation as a competitive sport! I then begin noticing this habit pattern that underpins decisions I make in life. This is not to say that competition is bad. However, there are times when competition does not engender the best outcome. In those instances, alternatives may include finding a middle ground or withdrawing so as not to cut one's own nose to spite a competitor. It may be a while before I am actually able to alter my reactions, but at least now I am noticing?! How interesting! This is one of three big epiphanies I have.

The second one relates to my need for purpose in everything I do. Here, there is the realization that there is "no pizza in nirvana" (Sharon Salzburg) and no outcome to look for on a cause -effect linear scale. Transposed to everyday living it is the idea behind karma yoga where you don't look to the end but the reward is in the experiencing!

And the third epiphany? Well it relates to my romantic ideas on everything including spirituality. Oh how wonderful that this young man may be on his way to becoming a monk. For starters, fresh out of 10 days of practice, I do not indulge my curiosity to find out. It really does not matter if my speculation is right or wrong. After all this is about his life and his journey and not fodder for my entertainment.