Blog before leaving India

Today I attended the evening Aarthi at the Ramakrishna Mutt after lighting ghee lamps, earlier in the afternoon, before goddess Durga at an ancient temple near by. They were both enchanting but contrasting experiences. They brought out some deep- seated emotions.

The Mutt had been my refugee some 26 years ago, when, following the birth of my child, I had experienced a spiritual crisis triggered by post partum depression. I knew then that spiritual awareness and the sensation of falling into an abyss, are two sides to a coin. At that time, nothing worldly could lift my spirits and I needed to find the meaning and purpose of my existence. I chanted feverishly, meditated and prayed to lighten my dark mood. I had often found myself sobbing at the altar of Ramakrishna in that quiet temple located smack in the middle of a bustling Mylapore. The Aarthi has always been performed to the same soothing verses everyday and in the same hushed monotone, it's cadence familiar and other worldly. So many years ago I had envied the lives of the orange clad monks - for having resolved their conflicts and surrendered to some higher calling. Today as I listened to those very same verses, I felt a sense of triumph for having climbed out of dark tunnel through years of mindfulness practice. I am now present in all my experiences.

At the Durga temple earlier in the afternoon the experience was much more visceral. The ancient Vallieaswarar temple is right next to its more famous compatriot the Kapali temple. Lesser known but over a 1000 years old, it shows marked signs of overuse and neglect. However, the word that came to mind as I stepped in was "authenticity". During the auspicious 90 minute period on Tuesdays between 3 and 4:30 p.m. Goddess Durga is said to bestow her munificence on women young and old who light ghee lamps made from lime peel cups. I purchased four freshly made lamps filled to the brim with ghee and lit them before the altar. The dark sooty walls glowed from the light of a thousand lamps that symbolized the collective aspirations of all of us women gathered there.

These wonderful contrasts reinforce for me the diversity and span of the Indian experience. As another stay here draws to a close, I pray for the well being of my elders who have set such a shining example in my life with their caring, generosity and unconditional love of us all. I look up to them awe, for their spirit to celebrate every milestone with great pomp, notwithstanding chronic pain in their limbs. I promise myself that I will be such a light to those who follow me, fostering in each the ability to experience the joy of being present in every moment.