I am thinking of running for Mayor!

I am thinking of running for mayor. But wait - I would be too boring. No sharp elbows or wisecracking sarcasm. No hubris. No crack pipe smoking videos or outrageous ideas to finance a flagging City economy with a-hands-in- people's-pocket approach aka Casino revenues earned from constituents' gambling travails. I have never had the presence to shout curse words into 911 lines and bald facedly deny it ever happened. Or to verbally assault squeegee kids. No one could sustain interest enough to stay on my case and stay awake. So what's my cache? That I love my City, care enough to want to solve its problems and have some competence managing money, negotiating deals and applying the law? Precisely not the qualities that will get the attention of the masses, pre or post election as Mayor? I need a story and even more importantly, sound bytes. Not necessarily the kind that I flashed on twitter or that I had bulimia and alcohol problems, as is true of a couple of the 2013 New York City mayoral candidates, but that "I can stop the gravy train" as famously attributed to our dear illustrious Mayor Ford. This is because talk is cheap and does not have to actually mean anything. Thankfully we have a populace which is willfully blind to the "how" of bogus promises because they are mentally tired making ends meet and staying afloat. "Just tell me what I want to hear" they say, and "I will vote for you". Then do something scandalous and I will give you and the City my undivided attention. Do not try to reason with me or give me logical explanations. I don't have the bandwidth to stay on your message. I can focus on one thing and one thing alone.

Given this, if I do decide to run, I need a make-over. A propensity for putting my foot in my mouth, shooting from my hip, overruling democratically made decisions and stock phrases like "trim the fat", "leaner and meaner", "efficient and effective" and "measurable". I have to work on sanitizing myself of fuzzy words like "collaborative", "inclusive", "consultative" or "anti-oppressive". I had better start now. Refashioning my image, rehearsing the choice jargon, sharpening my elbows and getting in and out of embarrassing situations does not come easy to those who lack the natural talent for it. I need the time before the next elections to rehabilitate myself and to build the right kind of brand equity. Oh yes, I will hire Lindsay Logan as my coach!